‘Capitalism as the overarching dragon should be culled in order for all of us to live without soul or moral injury.’ (R7)

‘As activists, we underestimated the resistance to real change from the old power establishment. We also overestimated the commitment to a vision of social justice proclaimed by the liberation movement. I do not know what will break through the walls of resistance amongst the elites and create conditions for a deeper renewal of our society.’ (R6)

‘The shock of having to struggle and again being sidelined because of a racist ideology.’ (R4)

‘We cannot make a blanket conclusion that because of apartheid, everyone suffered more or less the same way. This is the mistake of the new racial ideologies under democracy. Some black people have been shielded by upbringing and money but now claim on the basis of colour that their needs must be privileged over other people. Social systems refract the impacts of advantage and disadvantage in numerous ways. Therefore, the current trends are deeply disturbing and will handicap generations of excluded people unless those with the resources and capacities will speak up for the marginalised.’ (R6)

‘Citizenship – unfortunately, the racial classifications were retained and no consistent attempt to develop a South African identity as primary as really part of nation building. These days, the old apartheid group labels have been resurrected in many places and discourses. Horrifying for me.’ (R5)

‘We have a constitution that is supposed to rid us from the fingers of racism and inequality. There remains the clause forcing people to state their “race.” This is a sickening remains of the racism so rife in our country. That affects the morality of our people and causes so much hurt. The issue of speaking about “African black” as supposed to other people of this country is a sickening reversal of the previous built-in apartheid-racism.’ (R7)

It was during the reign of Tony Yengeni that the ANC suspended my brother, Cecyl, as provincial organiser […] in the Western Cape for the ANC. My brother, Cecyl […] questioned the Africanist tendencies of the ANC, and he proceeded to argue for the ANC to give expression to the non-racial character of the movement. I was accused, with so much hostility coming from Vincent Diba. He proceeded to threaten me. That moment sounded and fell terribly familiar. I, there and then in that moment, decided that I would continue to make my contribution to the dawn of our democracy and that thereafter I would live out my passion, remaining actively involved with communities, working directly with the people but no longer on behalf of or for the ANC. (Esau 2023:71–72)

As the Bible instructed, I must not only attend a ‘coloured church’ but also obey the government as the church’s authority is from God. In fact, it is in some way because of the church that I developed a deep hatred for the apartheid system, which neatly divided us into racial groups: white, Indian, mixed race, and black people. How could I then love and pray to a God who divided his church in these same racial groups? To continue praying to him, I felt, would be to support apartheid. Though painful, I simply could not reconcile my upbringing in an apartheid church with my political convictions. (Present 2022:209–210)

‘I still experience the Dutch Reformed Church as an institution, being in attitude against integrating with other races.’ (S1)

‘There have been exceptional leaders like Prof. Johan Heyns, who sacrificed their lives for their convictions for racial integration.’ (S1)

In the mid-2000s, I had looked at a white baby and saw a baby rather than a future soldier. I smiled for a second time and realised that, in a small way, my mind had been freed from the apartheid socialisation that had been part of my life since I was three weeks old. (p. 214)

‘The removal of apartheid legislation is of enormous significance.’ (R3)

‘Freedom of movement – money has replaced apartheid barriers. Job reservation vs BEE as corrective action, but this has become a vehicle for theft and graft.’ (R5)

What pains me the most today is that the hard-nosed comrades I lived with and who were so concerned with the welfare of the oppressed and who subsequently found their way into government, have allowed South Africa to become the most economically disparate society (in terms of the Gini Index) in the world. I also cannot understand how these hard-nosed, streetwise politicians were conned into buying such extremely expensive white elephants, in the form of warships, in the face of so much poverty and the rising infant mortality in our country reaching a level even worse than Afghanistan. (p. 244)

I would remind people of my generation that by 1985, when we were going through one of the darkest periods in the country’s history, not all of us decided to act against the most oppressive government on the continent. I was one of those who raised my hand, who decided to act by joining the ANC. You have to understand and accept too that, even in a democracy, fighting injustice may come with risks to your career, your family and even your life. In October 2007, I was promoted to chief director [in the Education Department of the Western Cape]. I, however, had a strained relationship with my new supervisor and decided, when she tried to institute trumped-up charges against me, to resign in October 2008. (pp. 206–207)

‘These days, in the place of a ‘CV’, all that one needs to secure a job is the colour of skin, affirmative action, political affiliation, and a ‘good word’ from the ‘who’s who’, or, if one can afford, a sizeable ‘initiation fee.’ (S2)

‘It is difficult to deal with feelings for revenge and a need for search for reconciliation.’ (R5)

‘I still harbour extremely negative thoughts towards white people who, according to me, don’t realise how much damage apartheid has done and how much they have benefitted at the expense of black South Africans.’ (R3)

‘The obstacles in society seem overwhelming, poverty becomes naturalised, discrimination becomes institutionalised.’ (R6)

‘Many women contribute to their own subordination by silently submitting to the expectations placed on them by people who reject the validity of women having leadership positions.’ (S4)

‘Our democracy has been hallowed, not only during the Zuma era but also under Thabo Mbeki that centralised the workings of the state and muted the voices of anyone critical and contrary to ruling ideology. Perhaps the most unfortunate result is an option for the black middle class by the ANC government against working and unemployed people. The old white establishment has not only bought into this regressive situation but has actively assisted to create it by its original model of black inclusion. The new black elite has been absorbed, but the great numbers of the poor live under lamentable conditions.’ (R6)

‘We have recently seen a high level of corruption in our country. The public protector’s report on Nkandla is one of them; [There is a] lack of service delivery within municipalities, which has resulted in a number of protests by different communities and many more.’ (S5)

When I [Bibi, Peter Present’s spouse] left home, I knew that the possibility of me having to face death or being responsible, directly or indirectly, for the death of others. I made this sacrifice not for me, but for the greater good. I had a purpose’ (Present 2022:107). ‘Since returning from our training in Angola, we had glimpses of what our futures could mirror as we followed the events and experiences of other MK [uMkhonto weSizwe] soldiers in the media or attended their funerals. Ashley Kriel would be murdered by the security police on 9 July 1987. It was, however, the murder of Anton Fransch that affected me most. (pp. 165–166)

‘My horizons remain open.’ (R1)

‘The Zuma presidency shook up the establishment and raised the difficult questions again.’ (R6)

‘Concern with status and titles seems to take precedence. Mouthing about the “poorest of the poor” and doing nothing concertedly. The fact that so-called service delivery protests still happen and the most violent is the one that will elicit a placatory response is upsetting. So, the patterns are continued, and resolutions awaits. Too often, the police are deployed when the real responsibility should be with the politician. Commissions of enquiry are great for catharsis, but the guilty are not energetically pursued. There is no restitution.’ (R5)

‘Some people operate with impunity […] various pastors from charismatic churches e.g. Bashiri who exploit the vulnerability of people and enrich themselves tax-free and are not held to account […] reports of sexual abuse of church members […] threaten what basis for belief the persons affected may have.’ (R5)

‘Hindsight is 20/20 vision: having said that, the overarching feeling is that may[be], just maybe, we should not have strived so hard for our freedom. It is worse to commit injustice than to suffer it? You cannot do what was done to you, for it does not absolve you of your pain. Would you rather suffer moral injury than to perpetrate it?’ (R4)

‘My opinion is that our public discourse is dominated way out of perspective, by political party rhetoric. We are currently trapped in a neo-liberal worldview, which focuses primarily, almost exclusively, on the rights of the individual over and above the needs of the community and even the family. These values take root in almost every aspect of life.’ (R3)

Already in 1967, [Warrant Officer Hernus JP ‘Spyker’ van Wyk] was the hard-hearted police official who crassly broke the news to the February-family of their son Basil’s death, an ANC operative, ‘Ek het net vir jou kom sê jou vark is dood.’ [I just came to tell you that your pig is dead]’ (p. 246). Van Wyk and other security police ‘severely tortured and assaulted the 25-year-old Sedrick Isaacs – the Security Police also subjected Isaacs to sleep deprivation. Van Wyk squeezed [Christmas] Tinto’s foreskin and pulled all his public hair until he sank into unconsciousness. Tinto woke up in Valkenburg Mental Hospital, where he spent two months. (p. 246ff)

After [the wedding ceremony] in the hall of the Dutch Reformed Mission Church in Goodwood. I was careful to manage my anxiety, and hide the angst I was feeling, my mind occupied with the nitty gritty of our arrangements to leave the country [to join Umkhonto weSizwe]. A sadness enveloped me. Somehow, death was always around. We had already left behind our family, friends, and comrades, and now we had also started the slow process of leaving behind the few remaining belongings and memories of home. What made this particularly painful was that we realised that we may never again see what we sent home. Upon arrival at the camp, the experience felt somewhat surreal, strange – like I was there, but not really there. (pp. 85–94, 102)

‘ANC elites in the vanguard – and the loyalty position adopted by the ANC leaves a bitter taste in the mouth. The system overall keeps people oppressed in order to ensure the system of extraction continues (a reference to how people are victims and casualties in a system of exploitation). Even when the system appears benign or civilised or enlightened, behind it is the shadow of violent control. By working to dismantle such systems, a person can find healing as well as a deeper meaning to existence.’ (R1)

‘The fight for power and money as part of all the coalitions and now the GNU, makes the citizens of the country to come last. Government and local authorities’ main aim is to build their own wealth and capital. I bear witness to the abyss in which our children are falling.’ (R7)

‘Of course, after 30 years, corruption has permeated socio-political life.’ (R2)

‘The only way to address these failures is that they be removed from governance and new competencies and ethical commitments be encouraged across the board.’ (R2)

‘I have buried young people caught up in gang violence and have seen the dysfunction of the security services and their unwillingness to tackle violence in the community.’ (R6)

‘I feel that the country is being run into the ground – the fear of “too many black people in our prisons” is a misunderstanding of criminal activity.’ (R4)

‘Acknowledge that Black Economic Empowerment (BEEE) is disadvantaging black people – creating a safety net for incompetence as if black people cannot fend for themselves; Affirmative action (BEEE on an individual basis), another evil (but understandably necessary). Apart from the fact that it creates entitlement, it also creates a cushion for incompetence.’ (R4)

‘This brings me to our failure as a liberated country. We have gained freedom but have lost our youth and have not really tasted the sweet fruits of freedom.’ (R4)

‘Our society has become a neo-liberal capitalist morass of selfishness and greed.’ (R3)

‘I believe that we suffer a triple jeopardy of colonialism, apartheid, and corruption. This triple jeopardy has caused us to have a society with a scarred soul. The violence, racism, crime, gender, and child-based violence we experience are direct results of the scarring of the soul of our society because of the triple jeopardy I refer to.’ (R3)

‘We’ve seen how African leaders have adopted a more individualistic approach to leadership, where self-enrichment and those who form their core has been the primary objective, at the expense of others.’ (S6)

‘were all associated with surveillance, arrests, abuse, and torture, which resulted in the continued trauma of anti-apartheid activists and leaders. Some of their [Van Wyk and the Security Police] actions resulted in the deaths of their victims. Among the first is that of Imam Abdullah Haron in 1969’ (p. 247).

‘Much has changed. Much remains the same. The levels of poverty and unemployment affecting local communities […]remain the same or worse.’ (R1)

‘I believe our country needs a socialist change to ensure that the wealth of the country is shared by the people. Maybe, we need a social revolution (not a violent insurrection) – changing the minds of individuals in our communities and influencing the leaders.’ (R7)

‘The existing order must be reformed, and systems must be renewed and restructured. The revolutions of the 19th and 20th centuries have shown that totalistic thinking leads to far-reaching oppression.’ (R6)

‘The 1994 and subsequent elections were fraudulent, in that the basic livelihoods of the people of South Africa were definitely not enhanced. The CODESA negotiations were farcical and only ensured a tighter grip on the economy and fiscus of the country in the hands of the capitalists.’ (R7)

‘One of the biggest contradictions in our society is the failure of the Moral Regeneration Movement. Its voice has been largely silent in critical years when South Africa needed it most.’ (R1)

‘The corrupt capture of our country and the aggrandisement of corrupt leaders cause the moral and social decline in our communities.’ (R7)

‘Our challenges are more than political and economic, our problems are spiritual as dignity, decency, respect, [and] integrity are essentially spiritual in nature. When relationships are sound and based on trust, people can begin to hold one another to account. The ineptitude and corruption of leaders create conditions in which young people perceive immoral actions as a reason to discard their inner values and moral compass. Moral justification invariably leads to human empowerment; however, our political leaders lack an ingrained sense of moral rectitude.’ (R3)

‘A key part of activism after 1994 was to defend our communities in their quest for their own rights. The activists in the churches, me included, forsook the privileges and largesse of the new state to identify and remain with poor communities.’ (R6)

‘I excite myself about the possibility of a new world order, where dignity, decency, respect, and integrity can begin to enthuse me to believe that there is much hope for us all. Finding new paths to deal with supposedly immovable objects and unstoppable forces.’ (R3)

‘I have been deeply disturbed during the struggle years about atrocities committed by various liberation forces. Many activists lost their lives due to internal corruption and oppression within the liberation forces.’ (R6)

‘On campus, one young man was accused of being an ‘impimpi’ [collaborator/spy] – he was brutally attacked, but sanity prevailed among the majority, and we could help him (save him from mob “justice”). In another incident, a man barely escaped with his life before being necklaced.’ (R4)

‘Confronted daily by the ravages of post-apartheid failure. My predominant emotion is deep disappointment in the pretended leaders that have turned out to be mostly grabbing the resources of the country for themselves.’ (R6)

We continue to remember Peter Cyril Jones as one of South Africa’s selfless political leaders who, despite all the hardships he suffered and the trauma that he experienced, chose to continue to work timelessly for the upliftment of the poorest of the poor. (p. 70)

I remember […] the brutal attack I experienced at the hands of the security police at Caledon Square Police Station. […] The way I coped with the memories of that night was to distance myself from it. I spoke of the woman detainee who was taken from Pollsmoor Prison to Caledon Square Police Station, the woman who was dangerously attacked and after 13 hours taken back to Pollsmoor Prison. I chose to mention only some parts of that night. Somehow, doing it this way [in written form] made it a bit easier. As time passed, I no longer wanted to be remembered of or remember any of it. I worked hard at burying it so far away, where they could no longer find me. (Esau 2023:56–57)

I was further assaulted (which some others also experienced), resulting in dislocation of my jaw and a split lip. I had chains put on my wrist, waist, and ankles and left naked in a damp and cold solitary confinement cell. On another occasion, I was strapped by my wrist[s] and ankles onto a wooden frame and flogged for ‘insulting’ the Prison Department: a degrading ‘punishment’ out of the 18th century. It is indeed fortunate that the human memory does not carry new physical pain. Unfortunately, memory does, for me, carry psychological pain and also the pain of continuous unrelenting cold that I experienced in the solitary cells, which lead to hypothermia … I thought conditions could not be as bad on Robben Island as the dingy police cells with brutish sadists as personnel with their rubber batons, chalk circles, and electricity machines. (10ff, 46)

‘Noises of cars at 4 AM used to be unnerving. Post ’94, those noises, if heard, were no cause for concern: no one was coming to detain you without trials.’ (R5)

‘I was fortunate to study in the USA in 2006, 12 years after democracy – I was only two weeks in the USA when police sirens rang up close to me. I started running, not knowing why. Fortunately, after about ten paces, it struck me: I did nothing, knew no one, and why was I running? It shocked me that my reactions were natural – I remembered back in the day, when the police sirens echoed, you ran. You will ask later what happened.’ (R4)

Some nights, when large trucks rumbling down on the nearby road backfired, it sounded like an explosion or gunshots. Bibi and I would be jolted from sleep. We’d listen carefully, hoping it wasn’t the security police. (p. 133)

‘There is a prevailing sense of disillusionment amongst educators (I single them out – most of them formed part of the people who grew up during the struggle and even took part in resistance). They found themselves disadvantaged in terms of advancement on the economic ladder and overlooked for such advancement. This unhappiness finds resonance in their place of work – teaching children. The relay of the narrative not about being ‘black and/or white enough’ and this brushes off on their learners. These become despondent, seeing that positions go only to ‘African’ people, feel that there is nothing for them to strive for.’ (R4)

A warder […] Botha […] was in charge on Robben Island, and he knows exactly what to do with terrorists […] [he used to say] We would be released, if we managed to survive, when we were old and broken from the life of hardship on Devil’s Island. The idea of fighting the government was stupid and would only bring destruction and death to those who dare[d] to do so, as we would be experiencing soon. (Isaacs 2010:45)

‘I still maintain that all the current elections are fraudulent and only a search for a place to “eat at the trough.”’ (R7)

‘Ranges from disappointment to cynical to worried to frustrated to angry to bemused to feeling betrayed.’ (R5)

‘Bullying, extortion, intimidation is an increasingly used tactic, and how one responds is not easy. Talking to other victims isn’t always helpful.’ (R3)

But then, to my astonishment, he did a complete about-turn, making it quite clear that he could not assist or support us in any way. He showed no sympathy for our predicament whatsoever. I was astounded. The person we were relying on to help us leave the country was acting as though he had no idea why we were even there in the first place. … Dr Naudé gave us the cold shoulder that day, especially as we now know that he provided invaluable support to the ANC and MK members over many years. (pp. 79–80, 86–87)

[W]ere forced to take responsibility for [their] own safety in [situations] in which [their] lives were at risk, especially now that [they] were alone in another country, on [their] way to undergo military training and regarded by [their] homeland as ‘terrorists’. Connecting with the ANC wasn’t as straightforward (pp. 91, 200)

The Foundation for Peace and Justice (FPJ) was established in 1985 by the Belville South Dutch Reformed Mission Church, with Dr Boesak as one of its trustees. Ten years later, he faced charges of misappropriation of FPJ funds. But then, following a remark by the Minister of Justice, Dullah Omar, who stated that Boesak was guilty of nothing more than ‘struggle bookkeeping’ aimed at deceiving [i.e. Bishop Desmond Tutu and Beyers Naudé] the security police, the issue of financial accounting by some anti-apartheid organisations became a prominent issue in the media. […] After being found guilty on theft and fraud charges, Boesak was sentenced to three years’ imprisonment. […] He pronounced at a press conference: ‘It is deeply regrettable that because of who I am and my role in the struggle, this trial has been fatally politicised, to such an extent that even the judicial system did not escape its impact. I will be entering prison as an innocent man. (p. 179)

‘Moral injury works at a deep level. In this sense, apartheid was deeply injurious.’ (R6)

‘There is such neglect and sometimes collapse. Extrapolating from the individual to the national collective, we are constrained by trauma. It interrupts our ability to work together.’ (R1)

‘Marikana and Life Esidimeni were two instances which were appalling and brought up feelings I thought I would not have to feel again.’ (R5)

‘I never understood the effect that the pre-apartheid “trauma” had on me. I realised that the trauma was deep – almost forgotten.’ (R4)

‘I still have anger issues against some people – who are still around and probably cared very little about the soul injuries they caused.’ (R4)

‘I believe that we suffer a triple jeopardy of colonialism, apartheid, and corruption. This triple jeopardy has caused us to have a society with a scarred soul. The violence, racism, crime, gender, and child-based violence we experience are direct results of the scarring of the soul of our society because of the triple jeopardy I refer to.’ (R3)

Only years later did I realise that [an] incident was the first sign that I had underlying psychological issues. Although I had arranged for Bibi and the boys to receive all the necessary counselling immediately following the turmoil of the X incident, I failed to recognise my own trauma. On an emotional level, I was not in a very healthy space […] relegating to the back burner all the issues that continued to haunt me over the years, albeit subconsciously. […] The spark was lit that I was still carrying psychological scars. […] I’d lived in my head – for more than two decades. […] Eventually, ‘I broke down then. I recall Anton [a psychologist] telling me that it was time for me to leave the bush and come home. (pp. 191, 194–196)

‘I feel let down and what we as activists of the time have let people down. On other days, another key feeling is acceptance. We are where we are. We could not be further on this road. We must not allow ourselves to be paralysed by bitterness or disappointment.’ (R1)

‘I deal with contradictory internal conflict every day. But when I activate against the government and those in power, I get tainted as a traitor to this country that I love. I fear that one is curbed from voicing opinions contrary to what is perceived to be for the ruling organisations in this land.’ (R7)

‘Yes, the struggle was necessary for all the people living in South Africa; we gained freedom, but at what cost, but still remembering that sacrifices had to be made. However, being again on the receiving side of racism and being marginalised as a brown person, you ask yourself if it was worthwhile – maybe we should always be careful what we asked for?’ (R4)

‘My first anger was against the church – stepping aside after liberation when it was most needed. Our physically and socially broken and violence-ridden communities need the church for moral renewal to initiate the process of healing. Hence, the moral and social decline our communities experienced whilst being led by broken people who never had access to financial resources found them now in charge of those resources. Blowing the whistle is a life-limiting move; when you are still building your career, anything against those in power is career-limiting.’ (R4)

Feelings of dread and anxiety of Peter having to leave nine days later had to be buried deeply. […] I had no contact with Bibi since leaving Botswana and, in the long evenings alone, my mind constantly drifted to her; whether she was okay and how worried she must be. […] I [Bibi] remember crying a lot; this was caused by the fear and uncertainty of Peter’s fate. (pp. 152, 156)

‘I do believe that we are better off in terms of human relations, but we are ever so quickly sliding into the abyss created by corruption, state capture, and the lust for power and money by selfish individuals basking in the glow of imperialism and capitalism.’ (R7)

‘I think [soul injury is] destroying [our] interest and people’s sense of agency.’ (R5)

If only former activists for the liberation of this country could tell their stories of [the] sacrifices they made for the freedom of this country, then hopefully, the youth may craft a new path for a just, equal, and non-racist country geared to serve all. (p. 215)